Funeral Service for X10 #5

There were tears

As Conducted by the Glasgow Archers Congregation of Mild Chaos

Order of Service

1. Opening Remarks
2. Reading from the Book of Easton
3. The Life and Death of X10 #5
4. Reflections from the Shooting Line
5. Hymn: Nearer My Gold to Thee
6. Final Commendation
7. The Sausage Benediction

1. Opening Remarks

Friends, archers, and those who wandered in here looking for the toilet, we gather today to honour the memory of X10 #5, loyal companion to John — known to many as Captain Sausage, known to others as the man who can get stuck on a clicker during a warm‑up, and known to his arrows simply as “please, not again.”

We stand here not in despair, but in solemn recognition that carbon shafts, like human hope, are fragile things and that sometimes, at 70 metres, gravity and a wooden crossbar conspire to remind us of our place in the universe.

2. Reading from the Book of Easton, Chapter 10

“And lo, the arrow shall fly straight and true, unless the archer’s release is absolute mince, in which case the arrow shall descend like a wounded pigeon and smite whatever timber lies beneath.”

Let us reflect.

3. The Life and Death of X10 #5

X10 #5 was born in a factory of precision, raised in a quiver of confusion, and lived its days in the service of a man who never once knew his sight mark. It survived four siblings before it — each lost to incidents ranging from “unfortunate” to “legally questionable”. It endured clicker hangs, coaching contradictions, and the constant threat of being drawn through bow scales that would then be released into the stabilisers like a trebuchet of poor decisions.

But its end came swiftly. A release, so catastrophic that even the Wall of Gloom paused to take notes, sent the arrow plummeting toward the 70m boss. There, the wooden crossbar — a humble, innocent piece of structural timber — intersected with the rear of the shaft and removed the last two inches with the efficiency of a medieval executioner.

The arrow was pronounced dead at the scene. No fletching survived to tell the tale. X10 #5 is survived by seven nervous siblings.

4. Reflections from the Shooting Line

Some say they heard the snap. Others say they heard John’s soul leave his body. One archer reported hearing the faint whisper: “Not again, you absolute weenie.” We may never know the truth.

5. Hymn: Nearer My Gold to Thee

Please hum quietly. We all know what happens when John tries to sing and shoot on the same day.

6. Final Commendation

We commit this arrow to the Great Quiver Beyond, where shafts fly straight, clickers never hang, and no crossbar lurks in the shadows waiting to claim its next victim.

7. The Sausage Benediction

Go forth in peace, shoot well, check your sight marks, and may your releases be smoother than Captain Sausage’s have ever been.

Amen, and also ouch.

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Grave Stone by Ben Kerckx from Pixabay